Yeah, so, THE MIDDLE OF LIFE and clothes shopping. Good times!
I had to venture into the retail world to find a dress to wear to an event. Okay, I didn’t HAVE to, but every woman knows a new dress can make you feel like a million bucks. Truth be told I’ve been feeling like about 50 cents for the last few weeks and needed a boost in my dollar value.
Hence, Banana Republic. I read they were having a big sale and the clothes are often good, sometimes great and I have this one black dress I bought there ten years ago that I still wear. They consistently produce clothes that can outlast fads and trends and become classics. This sounds like an ad for BananaRepublic, but I assure you THEY HAVE PAID ME NO MONEY TO WRITE THIS. And hey, why IS that BANANA REPUBLIC???
I was in the dressing room with my choices, none of which were a cute dress to wear to to said event. I couldn’t find one in the racks. But I did find a more corporate style out-of-season dress that I thought might be good for a general work day. And some totally inappropriate for work pants and cute T-shirt for $9.99.
The boring corporate dress ended up not fitting. It was in a size that was at the high end of my personal size scale. AND IT WAS TOO TIGHT. Strangely enough, the same dress in the same size but in a different color didn’t fit either…
As I stood there looking in the mirror that was not the slimming kind (Banana Republic, you should really invest in the slimming mirrors), my brain slowly tunes in to the girly chatter in the dressing room next to mine;
Oh my god! Thats so cute? Really? Oh my God I love it, Amazing. Tweet a picture, Yeah, Tweet it.
I’m thinking, Hey, kids we’re in Banana Republic with the Big Girls so let’s try and use some Big Words.
And then I hear it.
Girl 1: I need another size. This is too big!
Girl 2: Too big? Do you need the size 2?
Girl 1: No! This is the size Zero! Oh my god I don’t think there is anything smaller and this dress is so cute! OMG OMG OMG infinity OMG!
I dropped the corporate dress to the floor and gritted my teeth. Really? SIZE ZERO Banana Republic? I knew it was out there, but this was not the day for me to be confronted with it.
Even in the 4th grade when I was 5’6″ and weighed 45 pounds my Toughskins jeans from Sears were a size 6x. I’VE NEVER WORN A SIZE ZERO.
By this point in the post, if you’re still reading, you may be wondering where the TAPEWORM fits in to the story (and whatever you do, do NOT google Tapeworm images. Grossss).
As most women know, a new dress can make us feel great for an event. We also know (and please don’t tell me it’s just me even if it is) that some days during the month we feel as though we have a tapeworm ingesting our ingested food so that we don’t ever ever EVER feel full.
Here’s how it goes for those of you who are immune to tape worms:
You eat breakfast, a lovely piece of fruit and some non-fat yogurt. And then, the tape worm takes over your stomach and mind and makes you think, BACON BACON BACON. You give in and have bacon, maybe some hash browns, and a buttered English muffin for good measure.
Then it’s lunch time! A colorful salad with raw broccoli? Pretty and nutritious! The tape worm sings its siren song again; BREAD AND BUTTER BREAD AND BUTTER BREAD AND BUTTER. And you have some. Or the whole loaf.
By the time dinner rolls around you have had numerous snacks that most likely include Peanut M&M’s. Or FIVE HUNDRED OF THEM to tide you over.
For dinner, sometimes an entire pizza is just not enough. Sometimes instead of one pizza we buy two and some dessert because two pizzas MAY NOT BE ENOUGH for the tapeworm.
It’s a tapeworm, people, and it is taking over your body and making you bloated so that you can never, ever fit in a size zero at BANANA REPUBLIC or any other republic.
That is what happened to me today. To re-cap:
TAPEWORM + ME = NO SIZE ZERO IN ANY REPUBLIC, BANANA OR OTHERWISE.
True story. If you have a tapeworm, just stay at home with your pizza where it is safe to be whatever size you are.