NOTES FROM AN AIRPLANE.
Dear MR. DUTCH TRAVELER.
I know that you are in the three seats across the aisle with your wife and child, while I am only one person in three seats.
But I was lucky to get those three seats! The plane is certainly not full. You could go sleep in another seat. But no. You snuck in my extra seat while my headphones were on and eyes were closed from post take-off trauma syndrome. I opened my eyes and you were there with your bearded self – mouth hanging open, snoring, impeding my quick escape to the bathroom for the ENTIRE flight because your freakishly long legs were wedged under the seat in front of you.
I don’t mean to be selfish with my bountiful space, but I was looking forward to stretching out luxuriously for once on this five and a half hour flight. Whatever. I will try not to vibe you too hard for encroaching on my space.
Dank U Vel (not so much),
Dear MS. FLIGHT ATTENDANT,
You should make sure that you are not out of chardonnay on a long flight. Some passengers use it for medicinal purposes to combat the angst of THIRTY THOUSAND FEET IN THE AIR IN A METAL TUBE. Not to mention a celebratory toast out the window at sunset on the last day of my vacation. Really. You need to stock up. Get the captain to fly to the Napa Valley or stop by Trader Joes on your way to the airport. Not cool, Ms. Flight attendant. Not cool at all. Especially when we both know there is chardonnay in First Class…
Cheers (not so much becuase I have nothing to “cheers” with),
Dear MR. LIGHT-SENSITIVE CRANKY PANTS,
No, I don’t want to pull down my window shade so that you can see the crappy television reruns better. There are voluminous clouds reflecting a glorious sunset AT THIRTY THOUSAND FEET IN THE AIR IN A METAL TUBE that help to distract me from the fact that there is NO CHARDONNAY ON THE PLANE, which is quite possibly worse than snakes ON a plane.
Hey, Mr. Light Sensitive? Pull up your shade and have a look at the glorious scenery going by and recharge your brain with magical images of cumulus clouds punctuated by a bright sliver of moon. I know it has more to offer than reruns of Parks and Rec.
Dear MR. PILOT,
I appreciate you flying this plane safely from point A to point B. Really. I peeked in the cockpit and saw all the switches, dials, and buttons you have to understand to make this plane fly. I have only just recently learned how to operate a navigation system in a car, so I can appreciate the intense training you went through to be sitting up front today.
But MR. PILOT?
Steep, banking turns into the airport are really not okay! ESPECIALLY WITH NO CHARDONNAY ON BOARD THE METAL TUBE! I thought I was flying the FRIENDLY SKIES? That turn did not feel very friendly. I hope we can repair this sudden (and totally terrifying) rift in our friendship.
Yours in Friendliness,