A list for April:
1. I recently found a new place to live and live ALONE for the first time in my life. No child to care for, no man to tend (this has its downsides as well), but I’m choosing to see this moment in my life as FREEDOM. Because like all things, it will change. Again.
Living alone feels very self-indulgent (and F-ING AWESOME! No offense to my darling daughter). Last Saturday afternoon at 3pm I decided I was going to watch a movie. I got into (my new, pretty and wonderfully comfortable) bed with a glass of bubbly lemonade and WATCHED A MOVIE (on my new and very 21st century TV). Because I could. There was no one to ask. There was no one to answer to, except me. And I told me that a movie on a sunny Saturday afternoon was a good thing. Let me tell you, it was blissful.
2. I’ve stopped crying. Well, except for the other day when all my feelings of heartbreak and sadness decided to gang up on me while I was stuck in rush hour traffic on the freeway. But other than that, a huge brick of sadness has been removed from my soul enabling me to navigate my way through days and days of being in a no-cry zone.
Crying is an important factor in the grieving process, but I was getting tired of it. I was tired of hibernating all winter with my feelings and dreams and sadness, as important and healing as that hibernating was. So along with Spring, I have emerged a little more alive and grounded than I have been in absolute ages. It feels HEAVENLY. This feeling of no longer being quite so emotionally attached to heartbreak and beholden to no one but myself is one I want to hold on to for a while. Because guess what? It will change. Again. And I will be ready for it.
3. I’ve started doing PILATES to get back in touch with the muscles I cultivated by running my entire life that went by the wayside a few years ago; to reconnect with the gymnast/dancer person I used to be; to FEEL every part of me again; to master a technique using my own body as the instrument; to feel and BE strong; To kick Pilates ass because it kicks mine every time.
One of the best things about Pilates is the reminder to breathe. After my first lesson, I had been so focused on breathing all the way in to the back and sides of my lungs and then all the way out again that my ribs were actually sore the next day.
Now, sometimes when I’m lying in my wonderful, new bed watching a movie or just looking out the window to the garden, I remember to breathe…
…all the way in
and all the way out
and it is a simple, self indulgent (in the best of ways), wondrous action that gives me hope.
Life is good.