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Seriously. It took effort to finish the last half of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. The shallow writing, amateurish plot line and, honestly, boring erotic details started to make me irritable. It’s as if the book is written for juveniles (and not written well, because much juvenile fiction is excellent) and yet there are all these domination scenarios thrown in that juveniles should not be reading about.

The other thing that bothered me about this book was how concerned I am for American women (not you guys, of course) who actually find this book titillating.

First off, as I’ve mentioned, it is amateurishly written, so no one is learning any new vocabulary or being challenged by critical writing or even reading words that are placed together in a creative, pleasing way. I’m not saying I’m the best writer in the world, but I know good writing when I read it.

Women! Go read any one of a million other books that have a least a little meat on their bones. One of my go-to, colorful, and satisfying reading romps is THE FAR PAVILIONS by M.M.Kaye. It is a romantic saga that weaves through British occupied India over the lifetime of one man (who is hot). From the story you learn about history, Indian culture and customs, names of regions in India, the workings of an army, how an entire maharaja’s entourage makes its way across the desert, princess protocol, etc. There is no sex spelled out explicitly, but I find it much more titillating than FSOG (a fitting sounding acronym for Fifty Shades). THE FAR PAVILIONS is descriptive of time and place and you can practically feel the silk of the princess’ saris against your skin and the heat and dust from travel. It’s a beautiful story, in my humble opinion, and no words like “smoldering” and “molten” are used.

Secondly, the erotic portions of FSOG get boring (although I never found them very interesting to begin with). I ended up skimming through pages of lusty encounters just so I could get to the end of the book sooner. Not a good recommendation for an erotic novel! Page after page the author kept trying to create different locations and emotional upheavals so she could write about another sexual encounter as in:

Oooh look! Here they are doing it in a hotel bathroom after he has stalked surprised her in another state. And then they are in a glider (not having sex, but why was that even part of the story?). Ooooh and now they’re in the RED ROOM OF PAIN and there is a riding crop – Just like in her dream! Wow!  And then they were back having sex on his office desk after, of course, he cleared it all off with a flourish. What a snooze fest.

My concern for the American women who are reading and loving this book is that maybe they have no romance in their own lives, and they are sorely lacking in knowledge of what good sex is if they are finding this book exciting. True romance and great sex are certainly not a lip-biting, innocent, girl tied to a mercurial billionaire who wants to dominate her, yet tempers it all with kisses and “This is a first for me” comments that make you want to puke. The guy is a player and a jerk and – oh, wait he is not real. Thank goodness. Although, I’ve known… never mind. I’m not going there.

Really, I need to stop writing about this book now. I have spent too much time already mulling over something that is so poor and uninteresting. I will stick with real life for true romance and good sex. And you should too.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is the Kim Kardashian of the erotic literature world. “Nuff said.

Now go read some Anais Nin.

Miss MoL