There is a funky black cloud hanging over my life right now. This cloud is fuzzing with my clarity and general life perception.
Let me start by saying – I get it. I get that in a time when people are hurting for jobs, living in ugly places, going through trauma and depression, fighting cancer and hunger and malaria, living as refugees and physically tortured individuals – I get that my really nice life in a beautiful town with a well paying, enjoyable job, living in a healthy body with the person I love are gifts. I get that I just spent ten days in Hawaii, a luxury some people never get to enjoy.
So why the black cloud? Why this feeling of dissatisfaction with my job? Why the feeling that what I have is not enough and it’s my fault that it’s not? Why the anxiety that everything (life, the world, my relationships with people I love) is about to fall apart even though my brain knows that is not the truth? Why is the knee-jerk reaction to take out my frustration on myself – such as if I worked out every day I wouldn’t feel this way; if I was 15 pounds lighter I wouldn’t feel this way; if I had a finished draft of a novel right now I wouldn’t feel this way; if I had a secret stash of one million dollars I wouldn’t feel this way and that I don’t have all these things is a direct result of my own failings as a human.
Why am I not feeling content in this moment right here and right now, when for the past few years I have been happy and very present in the moment? I can’t figure it out. I also can’t figure out if I should use semicolons in the above paragraph or not and I don’t have the energy to check. Sorry, grammar police.
This lack of clarity has seeped into my brain erasing all creative thought and original thinking. It feels like mush in there. In here. There must be a way out of it, but I’m not sure what it is. I’ve tried soaking in nature (the usual remedy), reading, movies, alcohol, pizza, chocolate, exercise, staring into space, listening to music, sleep, writing and still there is fuzz. It’s so fuzzy I can’t even say exactly how I feel and it’s been said that really embracing what you are feeling is the best way to move through it. So now I am adding to my failings that I’m not even a capable enough human to define my own feelings. Great.
I felt a bit lighter this morning and actually laughed to the point of tears (maybe mild hysteria?) when I read a favorite blog that showcased Kim Kardashian’s ass. The blogger also posted a photo of herself with the quote “She’s taken to bed with martinis, Xanax, and Turner Classics” and I thought, “Maybe that’s exactly what I need.”
If a Kardashian is bringing me some joy, obviously I need an emotional intervention. Or maybe just a day in bed with martinis and old movies. Here’s hoping the cloud lifts soon and I can get back to my regularly scheduled clarity of contentment.