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Ballerina Julia Makhalina.

The head games in my work out process are working out at full force. It is day two, week two of this six week course. A “runners high” was not gifted to me on the treadmill today. The three rounds I did on the stationary bike were brutal. Stand up and pump legs as if climbing Everest? No. Not happening. The kind coach person said, “You can stay seated in the saddle and just keep moving your legs if you need to”. I needed to. I thanked him and then had to stop talking, because I thought I would burst into tears.

My body was just plain tired today. Heavy and tired. I could not ride the stupid bike at any speed other than slow, I could not complete the sets of the dreaded mountain climber movements, I wanted to quit half way through and all the while my mind was busy pointing out all these “failures”. I wasn’t having fun. My fear is that I will start dreading these workouts and stop going. The fact that I wanted to cry during a workout is not a good sign, right? How hard do we push ourselves? Did I do too much? Am I not doing enough? All of that over and over in my head.

At the end of the workout we were reminded by the head cheerleader that where we are right in this moment is exactly where we should be; no comparisons to how we were in the past, no thinking about where we should be, but to experience the present for what it is. She also said that the first time she had done that particular circuit session she threw up afterward. That made me feel a little better.

I stumbled out of the class and found my way to the car half blind from sweat and in an exhausted daze thinking I would get in the car and unleash the tears, but it didn’t happen after all. I drove to work, stripped down and sink-showered in the bathroom, changed into my work clothes noticing at the last minute that I had forgotten to include any undergarments in my duffel bag. So today I am wearing my work shirt with a sweaty sports bra and a mid-length skirt with nothing underneath. Nice.

Three hours later there’s a soft voice in my head saying, “You did it. You went to class and you did it.”. And that just has to be enough.

I’m too tired to even proof this post correctly. So much for exercise giving one mental clarity! My brain is as sharp as a wet dish rag.

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